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众人渐渐变得沉默,即使我看不到,也可以察觉出他们在努力强颜欢笑逗我开心。我自己则可以明显感受到生命在偷偷溜走,就仿佛一只盛满沙子却在底部漏了一个小口的布袋,每一分每一秒都是不能阻止的流失,到如今已然所剩无几。若是按照秦楚那一次偶然说漏嘴的话,那便是我如今的每一天都是上天的额外馈赠。我在抵达沙漠的前一日彻底陷入昏迷。陷入昏迷前同阿寂有过一次商议。我同她说我的困境,并且希望想个办法让秦敛改变主意,在我离世后仍然活下去。阿寂默然半晌,问我:&ldo;公主真是这样想的?&rdo;我只简单回给她一个字:&ldo;是。&rdo;&ldo;公主打算怎么做?&rdo;&ldo;我想不到好办法,翻来覆去只想到一个主意……&rdo;我说,&ldo;我想找一个女子代替我活下去。&rdo;阿寂很聪明,很快反问我:&ldo;公主是希望效仿陛下,做一张公主自己的人皮面具,让秦敛以为公主还活着?&rdo;我说:&ldo;你熟悉我的所有事,所以如果你肯帮忙同那个女孩子讲一些我的事,她在最初几天就大概可以蒙混过关。到时候再想个主意,就说我由于一些事要回苏国,让秦敛几年见不到人,慢慢他的思念和伤心就会淡下来……&rdo;停了一下,接着说,&ldo;到时候就算被他发现我是假冒的,至少他能体会到我想要他活下去的苦心,如果他肯尊重一下死者为大,就会继续活下去。&rdo;阿寂又是默然,半晌问我:&ldo;公主想要谁假扮?&rdo;&ldo;其实,&rdo;我有些不好意思,&ldo;其实……我觉得你就很合适。只是要看你愿不愿意。&rdo;&ldo;公主说什么,自然我就做什么。只是,&rdo;阿寂清冷的声音一如既往,没有什么起伏,&ldo;公主这样做,我心中莫名难过。&rdo;我没有再解释什么,不是不想,而是不能,我发现自己能使用的力气已经剩下不多了。我知道自己的情况已经相当糟糕,这一次清醒过来的时候听到太医正压低声音同秦敛讲话,说我怕是撑不过三日,犹疑着问他要不要准备后事。听到这话后我虽然看不到秦敛的神情,却总觉得可以感受到他的难过。随后我听到他的声音,竟是冷静得不成样子:&ldo;准备吧。&rdo;我知道他心中必然并非这样镇定。前些天我也是从昏睡中醒来,尚未睁动眼皮,便发觉他正握住我的手,是十指交缠的样子,大抵是坐在c黄边,同以为还在昏睡的我低声说着什么。起初我意识混沌,并未听得太清楚,清醒后慢慢回味,才想起他那时候说的话竟是脆弱如斯:&ldo;苏熙,你快些醒过来。陪我说说话。你这样一直睡着,我有点害怕。&rdo;那一刻我只觉鼻间酸得难以言喻。然而,同时,他这样说,我便越发想让他活下去。我在同阿寂讲话完,才想起还可以尝试另一种方法。人们都说,死者为尊,按照这一观念,如果我临死前留有遗言,那么只要秦敛可以办到,不管他情愿不情愿,大概都会碍着我而答应。而我现在的状况既然已经被太医判定为可以去准备后事,这就代表我此刻说的话与遗言也没什么差别了。然而理论很完美,施行起来却有点困难。我很想将心中已经改变了的主意说出来,逼着他答应,却发现已经连开口的力气都没有了。眼泪倒是流得很容易,在张开嘴的那一刹那已经簌簌地掉了下来。可我并不想留给他一个哭泣的最后印象,于是心中越发急切地想要把眼泪收回去,改成一个微笑,却反而越急越乱,一直没能笑出来。这个样子一定很难看,我在心中绝望地想着,感觉到秦敛的手指慢慢移上来,他的手十分温暖,温柔细致地捧住我的脸时,我的眼泪愈发汹涌而出。那一刻我突然想到,我自懂事起,其实便很少哭泣。而自从十六岁第一次见到他,之后的每一次掉眼泪,真真假假,都是因为面前的这个人。我真的很舍不得他。他放柔了声音:&ldo;不要害怕。我们马上就要到藏郎了。会好的。&rdo;这话显然是在哄我。我知道我们虽然已经到了大漠边缘,然而离藏郎却还有许多天的路程。我急于将心中的话说出来,却失望地发现仍然没有力气开口。秦敛轻轻地说:&ldo;怎么了?是不是舍不得我?&rdo;我的眼泪愈发涌出,用尽了力气眨眨眼,希望他能明白。
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