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拭擦母亲的画像是我每日必做的功课。望着她亘古不变的颜容,我的动作越来越慢思绪也越飘越远,连林智走进房来都不知道,是他的说话声叫回了我。&ldo;你母亲已经去世了,你什么时候才肯面对现实?&rdo;这一个月来我对林家的人避而不见,可是我避得了一辈子吗?我望着母亲,为什么要撇下我?为什么不索性连我也带走?而今谁来告诉我,我到底该怎么做?&ldo;你不是深爱她吗?为什么不放了她让她真正安息?还是你原本就打算要她亲眼看着你用爸爸的下半辈子给她陪葬?&rdo;心口被什么东西刮了一下,我忍不住愤然做声:&ldo;你真以为你什么都懂了?&rdo;母亲的笑容却让我发不出脾气来。就算我不去依赖她,她也不会获得真正的安息。她在天堂,然而谁能肯定天堂里就没有地狱?她正在那儿受苦。而我在人间受苦。我转身面对林智,指指椅子:&ldo;请坐。&rdo;舔舔干涩的唇,我徐声道:&ldo;我母亲去世的时候你的母亲已有了四个月的身孕。&rdo;他脸色一变。我看着他笑,自觉凄然:&ldo;一年之后父亲将梅姨娶进门,时年你一岁,然后他将林宅里的佣人全部更换。&rdo;当时总有些飞短流长,经过多年以后也已经在人们的记忆中淡去乃至被遗忘。&ldo;你父母和我也并不是刻意要隐瞒你,只不过是都不觉得又告诉你的必要。&rdo;他看着自己并拢的双膝,好久才说话:&ldo;这就是你恨他的原因?当你的母亲缠绵病榻时,他却在外逍遥快活?&rdo;我将视线移向母亲,半晌才找到自己的声音:&ldo;你现在还要求我搬出去吗?&rdo;&ldo;可是‐‐都过去了十几年了!还不过吗?他受到的惩罚就算是欠你一条人命也应该可以抵消了。&rdo;他烦乱地耙着浓密的黑发。我将虚空的身体靠在墙上说:&ldo;他原本就欠我一条人命,若真的那么爱我,为什么不把命还给我?&rdo;他气得发抖:&ldo;我总说不你!你到底要他怎么样呢?把你母亲从坟墓里掘出来还你?还是要他自戕?!&rdo;我再无言语。并不是什么事情都会随风而逝,真正深刻的记忆永远不会事过境迁,再过去多少年,哪怕只是在不经意见触动装存往事的匣子,那被压在最深最底层的一件都会霍霍飞出,漫上心头。尘封了十五年的旧事如今再去重提,只觉得有着比十五年前更令人无法忍受的刺痛和悲伤。林智站起来踱到窗边。&ldo;你要报复一个人,受苦的却使四个人,你认为爸爸罪有应得,我不说什么了,可是我妈妈呢?她嫁进林家多久,就陪着父亲受了多久得罪,你看看她现在的身体。至于你自己,就更不必说了,我从来就没有看到过你曾打心底笑一次。你又有没有想过我?我和你一样根本就等于没有童年,自懂事以来,我就需要每件事情都做到最好、最出色,智因为我是把马心灵和精神上惟一的慰藉。你不停地开火,我就得不停地善后。日日看着自己的姐姐对待自己的父母就像对待生死仇敌,我自己也象是被人从中间撕成敌对的两半……&rdo;他的声音仿似从天际飘来:&ldo;有时候我非常恨你,我恨你为什么在这个家里独独关爱我,只要你对我稍微表露出丁点怀恨,我就可以随时将你踢出林家,免得这屋子里的每一个人都日复一日年复一年地陪着你受罪!你真的是非常任性,非常自私……我不会再要求你搬出去,只请你静下心来想一想,这些年来你从中得到了什么?&rdo;他走出去,轻轻带上房门。魔鬼蒙蔽了我的眼睛我才会把他当作大人来看,他明明就只是个孩子,可是,都是我一直以来在使他不能做一个孩子。我真的关爱他吗?还是根本就如他所言,只是为了要他陪着一起同受煎熬?倦极,没来由地,脑海里闪过如风的影象,我拿起手边的电话。听到我的声音他立刻就笑了起来:&ldo;今天吹什么风?唔,是冷如风。&rdo;&ldo;你在哪?&rdo;&ldo;你怎么了?‐‐我在家。&rdo;&ldo;我现在过来。&rdo;半个小时候我在冷府那个大得吓人的游泳池内找到他,为着心头那份猝不及防的想见他的急切,我竟是不敢直接走进他,蠕动双腿行到躺椅边上坐下。
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