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他当时虽然已经月余不怎么开怀,但一直享受福利突然之间没了,便皱眉问我今日为何不替他更衣?
我说要去找昀儿,然后今天放他一天假,难得下雪要玩雪去,他就不出声了,手却挥了挥。
我和赵昀匆匆吃了一些饭之后就去院中堆雪球去了,而他和庞籍两人则用小暖炉温了青梅酒一边喝一边看着我们笑闹。后来赵昀一个雪球不小心落在了庞籍身上,因为担心他受凉得病,我便让他先回去了。毕竟古代这医疗条件,一个小感冒都随时会变成肺炎,春闱又临近了,自然要小心照顾。
庞籍也不坚持,笑笑也就走了。我正要喊赵元俨陪我们一起玩耍,孰料这人竟然上楼回书房去了,弄我好生没趣。和众人打雪仗时候,偶尔我还能看到他探出头来看上一眼,再缩回去。
等我气喘吁吁回房间换衣服时候,却见他从书房中过来,递来一卷卷轴。我打开一看原来是一副童子戏雪图,记忆中一个片段突然蹦出来,我依稀记得曾经见到过这幅图,只是当时尚未画完。于是再看墨色,果然新旧有别,图中最扎眼便是一个扎着双发髻,穿着红衣小袄女童,神韵依稀是我幼时模样。
我抓紧了画刚要开心抱着他撒撒娇,却被他轻轻拥进怀里,而后突然抱紧,耳边传来他喃喃低语:“某某,你会一直陪着我对不对?直到我们白头。”
我眼一酸,在他怀里点着头,呜咽说:“我当然会陪着你,会一直陪着你……”
话犹在耳,画依旧在,只是岁月荏茬,人却不在了。
赵元俨与我相约白首,可他走时候我还没有白头发,他却才刚有一些,走前轻轻攥着我手,没敢用力,如他病中时候说一样。
他那时候说,攥紧了,怕死也不舍得放开。
他不想带我走,所以只有轻轻握着,感觉着是体温,知道我就在他身边。
他上面七个兄长当时都已经不在,元佐与昀儿及我一双儿女都在身边,他回光返照醒来那一瞬却只看着我,有些艰难对我说:不哭,然后轻轻柔柔攥着我手,吩咐昀儿与弟妹,叮嘱元佐,最后时光却是静静温柔看着我。
我但是眼睛肿像核桃,泪眼朦胧间看着他望着我模样,好似又看到了我初见他那一日,又好像看到了他像我吐露情思那一日,我忙擦了泪水,看着他两鬓白霜,哽咽着问他:“你都没什么对我说吗?”
他断断续续说:“我爱……都让我带走,你好好活着……”
他最爱有许多许多,我第一次笨拙绣了一半儿好多年后才绣完双雁比翼南飞图,我每年冬日都要酿梅花酒,我在成亲后第一天亲自给他系上荷包……可他为什么不带走我?
明明许下白首偕老约定人是他啊!
可最后,仍点了头,看着他笑着合上眼睛,感觉着手上握着温度一点一滴不再。
有一天,我在寝台上看着夕阳西下,手中摩挲着桃花扇子,突然笑了。当年他送我这把扇子时候又是怎么想呢?我记得我知道第二次要当妈妈那天趁着他心情好问他这个问题,他飞速且不自然回了两个字——割爱。
是因为爱才要割舍吗?
我想着最后被他带走一件件我亲自放进去他所爱,再想想那句好好活着,最后终究释然了。
日暮西山,我看到昀儿抱着小儿子上楼,听到他轻轻叩门,轻轻走进来。我对他怀中小包子伸出手,轻轻捏着他小脸,略有些婴儿肥,黑白分明眸子,喊着好像是某某名字。
我将扇子递给昀儿,抱过对我张着双手小包子,轻轻吩咐他说:“昀儿,有一天我走了,把我喜欢都给我带着,扇子,画儿,你爹爹……”
赵元俨,这样我也算乖吧?
正文完
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